Adoption | To Tell or Not to Tell: Is NEVER a Question
Back in the day, adoption was extremely taboo to talk about. The vast majority of people did not tell anyone that they had adopted their children. Women would even go as far as stuffing their shirts with rags to make it look as if they were pregnant themselves before adopting a child. And in most cases, they didn’t even tell the child that they were adopted. Luckily we have grown a little further than this as a society now. However, I have still been asked, “Are you going to tell your girls that they are adopted?” To tell or not to tell is NEVER a question.
Of course I will tell my girls that they were adopted. If a child is born blind and has never seen the color of their skin, would you not tell him his race? Would you not teach him about his background?
Of course not. To tell or not to tell is never a question.
It is his heritage just as my daughters’ heritage is their biological family. It is part of them. I would never hide that fact from them.
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More commonly, however, I get asked, “When are you going to tell your girls that they are adopted?”
The answer to that is simple…
They will always know of their adoption.
They will process the information differently at every age/learning stage, but they will always know. For example, my oldest daughter is almost 2 ½. I show her pictures of her birth mother and father on a regular basis so that she is familiar with their faces. When I show them to her she points at them and says, “a mommy and a daddy”. Right now she is at a stage where every adult male is a daddy and female is a mommy, but I tell her she is right. That is her mommy and daddy too.
As my girls get older they will have more questions and I will be more than willing to answer any/all to the best of my ability. Luckily, our adoptions are not closed so their birth families will be there as well for them to ask any questions they may have throughout their lives.
My only wish for my daughters is for them to know that being adopted is not something to be ashamed of. It just means that they have double the love and support around them.
The only thing to be ashamed of concerning adoption would be choosing to not tell a child that they were adopted. That is selfishly withholding the love their birth families have for them as well as part of their identity. And that is a tragedy.
My adoption literature suggestions:
Other adoption literature:
39 Comments
Danielle
Definitely a good thought and question. Thanks for sharing about this journey.
Maysz
This is eye opening for all parents to talk about adoption. This is so lovely post.
Catalina
I am agree that to tell is always a must! You just need to find the right moment!
sara lafountain
Thank you for sharing a post on this important topic. I agree with you, kids should always know if they are adopted, it is only fair to them to know.
Mama Maggie's Kitchen
I am loving this blog. It’s an eye opener and it surely spread awareness for all adoptive parents. Thanks for sharing.
Lynndee
I agree, telling them the truth is the right thing to do. Thank you for sharing your story.
Beth
One of my friends adopted a daughter, K, 30 years ago. K always knew she was adopted, as did my kids. It is strange to think that anyone would not tell their child the truth about something as wonderful as adoption.
Jenn @ EngineerMommy
Thanks for sharing your journey with this. Kudos to you for keeping the lines of communication open with your kids.
Sandy N Vyjay
The days when parents carried the secret of adoption to their graves are gone. It is the age of information now and it is really foolhardy not to tell.
Anosa Malanga
There is so much issue before when it comes to adoption but good this we are a lot open-minded in this generation. I love how you write about this topic and how you share your perspective.
Sarah Bailey
I’ve always known I was adopted, it was never kept from me and instead celebrated. I couldn’t imagine not knowing at any point of my life, I think it would be an awful “secret” to find out.
Rose Ann Sales
I agree. They should know eventually,in a great way,like your way.
Nikki Wayne
I love the way you introduce the birth parents to your daughter. Nice article.
Tasheena
Thank you for sharing! I love that you’re so transparent with your children.
Pam Wattenbarger
That is such a great approach to the adoption question. I have cousins that were adopted and they always knew they were but they were chosen and loved by us too.
Amber Myers
I so agree with you: I would never keep it a secret since people should know where they come from, always.
Tomi C
The where did I come from question is always a tough one. Kudos to you for finding a way to honor their entire being.
Carleen
I know a person who was not told that she was adopted and learned as an adult though doing 23 and me testing. Needless to say, it caused some strife in her family.
Alyssa
As an adoptive mother of two teens, I agree wholeheartedly. I got my kids at an age where they remember their birth mother, and she is not a healthy person to have in our lives, but we talk about her often, and we never talk about their heritage or past in a shame based way. Good job doing this in a way that honors the birth parents. A lot of people forget about them.
Ashley t
I really love your perspective on this. I have friends that have adopted and I will share this with them.
Chasity Cedeno
I love this so much! I was raised by a family member, so my biological mom wasn’t in the picture much. It was hard to understand until I got older, specifically because my biological mom had 4 other kids she raised. I see now that it was for the best, but it took a while to get there.
Kids should always know where they come from and about their heritage. What a great concept to elaborate on. Thanks for sharing!
Ana
I agree with you, kids have every right to know the truth not only about adoption but about everything. Often times, parents withhold information in effort to not “hurt” their children but the reality is, we must expose them to life as it is and let them make their own decisions about it. I know most of us mean well but children come equipped to thrive, we must trust and encourage them. Great post, thank you for sharing!
Marysa
I never thought about this, but it makes sense that adoption has become more common and open.
Puja Kumari
This is a great story. In my country, India, people are not so sure about adoption. Here, people rarely involve in adoption.
Shawn E
I have always thought that knowing the sacrifice and love of both the birth mother and adoptive mother can only give the child more of an understanding of love and compassion as they start their beautiful life. To me, adopted is just an adjective used to describe a very loved human! ❤
#adoptedandblessed
pacioalita
This is such a valuable post. Thank for sharing
Gervin Khan
This post gives a lot of values and enlightenment to everyone. I must agree that every child should know everything about their adoption and the adopted parents should always be willing to answer their questions.
Flossie
I love your take on this. It is so cool that your kids can see pics of their bio parents, but also have you in their lives as the parents who are raising them 🙂
Vidya Tiru
I love this; and having friends who are themselves adopted or have adopted children of their own, I totally agree with your sentiments
briana
I Love this ! I feel like we are the same person sometimes lol. I have always stated that its never a question. From the get go the will always know about their adoption and the brave choices their families made to give them the opportunities they will hold in the future. Would love to see you do a review on adoption books for kids.
Bri
I agree! And I just may do that! Or maybe I’ll write one!
Yalana
This was an awesome post and totally necessary!!! I hope many who are in the similar position get a chance to read this.
Alyssa
Yes! If you have adopted a child, it’s important to tell them the truth and educate them about their race. Adoption should not be a taboo topic and I’m glad that more people are now open to this idea because every child deserve a family and a safe place. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Kimmy
I am so glad that this subject isn’t something we keep quiet about anymore.
Samantha Laycock
I love this so much. It is hard to believe that adoption used to be such a taboo topic.
momelite2
I’m so glad adoption isn’t taboo anymore. I see it as a gift. The birth mother is giving a gift to the adoptive family and the baby.
Nishtha
Beautiful post! Respect for you for making such a big difference in little kids life. You are doing such an amazing job, thank you for sharing!
Sabrina
I really admire what you said – that being adopted just means more love & support to go around for your kids! Beautifully said!
My oldest also thinks every male/female adult is a daddy or a mommy. They have the sweetest minds!
Cheeia
I love this post. I’ve always thought if I could adopt and if I would be a good mom for adoption. I love what you wrote tho! & it’s definitely something I pray about!