Dear Fertile Myrtle, Kindly Shut the F*** Up
As you get older there seems to be a series of expectations for your life set by society. It’s as if there is a task list with deadlines to be ticked off as you go. Maybe you are familiar with this list.
It reads:
- Get into a long-term relationship
- Get engaged
- Get married
- Have a kid
- Have another kid
- Have one more kid (but only if your first two are of the same sex. If you already have a boy and a girl stop after step 5)
Once you have embarked on task #1 the deadlines start. Don’t worry, society will let you know when the deadline a getting close. They do so with incessant questioning. As soon as you start dating someone even halfway seriously you get your first question…
“So, when are you getting engaged?” With which you reply with whatever variation of an answer you have come up with in an attempt to get people off your back and mind their own business. For me, since I am somewhat of a traditionalist when it comes to engagement and believe the masculine partner should ask the feminine partner in a moment of surprise, I would say, “I don’t know, whenever he pops the question!” [insert eye roll].
And then you get engaged…
“So, when are you getting married?” “When is the wedding?” Before you set a date these are frustrating questions because you probably just started to look into the costs of having the wedding of your dreams and are getting super over-whelmed and you try your hardest not to answer these questions by saying, “How about when you give me $50,000”.
Then you finally bust out the checkbook and set a date. The wedding is beautiful and before the reception is even over… “So, when are you guys having kids?”
GEEZ! You haven’t even been on your honeymoon yet! Can’t you just enjoy married life for a minute first??
However, secretly you were already planning on starting to try right away. You just didn’t want to tell anyone. You wanted it to be a big surprise when you announced a few months after the wedding that you were expecting your first bundle of joy and starting your perfect family. But then…
…nothing happens…
Month after month a pattern emerges: you do research on tips to get pregnant, you try them out, you are confident THIS is the month, you SWEAR you are late, you take a test, it’s negative…again. Soon you have stock piled ovulation kits and pregnancy tests, you only have sex on happy face days which drives your partner crazy, it becomes all you can think about or focus on and this is of course when yet another someone asks, “So, when are you going to have kids?” and rather than answer, you simply just want to punch them in the stupid face.
And then you start getting worried.
When are you going to have kids? Can you have kids? Should you see a specialist? Maybe you do. I did.
We started seeing fertility doctors about a year and half into trying to conceive. Of course we didn’t tell anyone we were doing this (especially not our families) because possible infertility is taboo to talk about. So instead we suffered alone, we worried alone, we cried alone. I remember, during this time, I was working at a restaurant as a bartender and that year nearly every 19-year-old server on staff got “knocked up”. The running joke of the place was, “Don’t drink the water or you’ll end up pregnant!”. Of course, as the only employee MARRIED yet childless it was suggested by every customer that I drink more of the water.
If it were only that easy…
And then one day, around Thanksgiving time, one of my friends came in. He is a jokester by nature and wanted to try to pull a fast one on me. He had a young daughter and told me that she sent him a picture and he didn’t know what it was. He wanted me to look at it for him. The picture on his phone was of an ultrasound but where the baby should be it was a turkey. He was hoping I would think it was a real ultrasound and that his daughter. who was way too young to be having kids, was pregnant and freak out but…[whomp whomp] I saw the turkey first. The crude joke didn’t land.
A little later my Mom came in and sat next to him. We were all talking for a while and then I turned around to assist some customers on the other side of the bar. When I turned back around my Mom was looking at his phone… Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes… damn it. He had told her I sent it to him and of course after being married for two years now she thought it might be true and believed it. I had to break my own mother’s heart right there while at work and tell her that no, she was unfortunately not getting a grandchild within the next 9 months from me. I could have killed him.
And then fertility treatment started.
In the course of three years we did testicular biopsies, exploratory laparoscopies, sperm banks, acupuncture, four rounds of IUI and one and half rounds of IVF. It was during these years I realized that we must have gone past deadline #4 of the to-do list.
I knew this because the questions stopped. Nobody was asking anymore about when we were having kids. That question had finally stopped! However, that doesn’t mean that it completely went away… It apparently just morphed into a new thing. It morphed into unsolicited advice.
People, I guess, just assume at this point that if you are trying you may be struggling and they start crawling out of the woodwork with the “how-to’s” of getting pregnant. Eat this. Drink this. Try this position. Coordinate sex with the lunar cycle. Wear this kind of underwear. Or my personal favorite: Just don’t think about it. It’ll happen when you least expect it to.
Yes, these tidbits of “wisdom” are a little annoying but you do occasionally run across one or two you somehow haven’t tried yet and you figure, “What the heck, it’s worth a shot… When’s the next lunar eclipse?”.
But then there is Fertile Myrtle…
A fertile Myrtle is the woman that plowed through the “steps” without skipping a beat. Getting pregnant for a fertile Myrtle is like leading a duck to water. In their minds they cannot even fathom the possibility of even a slight struggle to conceive. Their only struggle is how NOT to get pregnant AGAIN. A fertile Myrtle just doesn’t understand. They can’t relate, so instead they make a joke of it, offer irrational solutions, and tell stories of “hope”.
Fertile Myrtle will say things like:
If you want kids you should just take one of mine.
I should just have a kid for you. I can be like a surrogate or something.
You should just adopt a bunch of kids from [insert country here].
Will you be Little Frankie’s God-mother? That way you will at least get to be a parent if I die.
Why don’t you just try IUI or IVF? (And if you have and you tell them this…) Why don’t you just do it again? I know it will work this time! (Ok, do YOU have another $20K so I can TRY IVF again? No? I didn’t think so…)
I have a friend who was told she couldn’t have kids and then…WHAM! She was pregnant and she didn’t even know it! You just need to relax. It will happen when the time is right.
My cousin and his wife did 5 rounds of IVF and never conceived. Then they decided they just weren’t going to have kids and were going to travel instead. So they sold all their stuff and left and then….BAM! Three months later they announced they were pregnant! See, you don’t need doctors. All you need is a vacation!
It’s as if they simply don’t accept the fact you may not actually be able to have biological children and for some reason they feel you shouldn’t accept it either…
Acceptance is a process in which you come to terms with your condition and are no longer trying to change it. How is this possible with Fertile Myrtle constantly in your ear protesting it?
It is a STRUGGLE!
So please.
PLEASE.
PLEEAAASE, Fertile Myrtle, shut the f*** up.
It’s okay if I can’t biologically have children. It’s okay if my husband can’t biologically have children. It’s okay if we choose to use donor sperm. It’s okay if we choose to use donor eggs. It’s okay if we use donor embryos. It’s okay if we choose to use a surrogate. It’s okay if we choose to foster. It’s okay if we choose to adopt. It’s OUR choice and it’s OKAY. We just want to have a family. It’s unfortunate, yes, that it was not as easy for me as it was for you. Trust me, I have fought my war of extreme envy of you over and over again already.
At this point, I am just exhausted. I’m tired of “trying”. I’m tired of doctors. I’m tired of medication. I’m tired of procedures. I’m tired of your questions. I’m tired of your “solutions”. I’m yearning for a baby! I’m yearning for a family. I’m yearning to be a parent. I’m desperate for an answer. I’m desperate for a solution. I’m desperate for you to SHUT THE F*** UP. Please, stop trying to “fix” me. The only thing “broken” is my heart and your incessant questions, jokes, and solutions are not helping! Oh, and you may want to go count your kids because I am just about on that level of bat sh*t crazy…
56 Comments
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Susan
I’ve come to questions with the word “just” in them! People have no freakin’ clue.
julie
It’s disheartening how some people can be so insensitive. People just need to mind their own business!
Cathi Mini
Such a great blog post! I’ve learned a lot from this. Such an important topic!
Catalina
Yes! I am aware of this list. It’s a continue pressure on us! Hope that things will be different for our kid!
Kathy
I completely understand and agree as well. I don’t think it’s right to be saying some of these things either. Not everyone can have kids and it’s heartbreaking to many.
Melissa Dixon
It is impossible to live up to the expectations others have for you. I have thankfully learned this many years ago and have been much happier because of it.
Jenn @ EngineerMommy
Thanks for sharing your story. I agree that people can be so insensitive. People really need to mind their own business more!
Crystal Carder
So sorry you have to deal with this! You are so brave for opening up about it!
Rose Ann Sales
Oh people could be so insensitive sometimes. Maybe because they’re just bored or just really insensitive.
Nikki Wayne
Yeah sometimes society is too bored that they keep minding somebody else’s lives.
Tasheena
It’s amazing how much incentive stuff people can say.
Monica Simpson
People try to say the right things, or make light of it, when really if they’re not struggling they need to just keep quiet and be there for you to listen.
Pam Wattenbarger
I’m always amazed when people say such insensitive things. This is a good reminder that people need to be there to listen.
Robyn H.
Thank you for sharing. This hits so close to home right now. I get so many “why don’t you have another one?” “why not give your daughter a sibling, she’s so lonely”… the guilt trips of having an only child… what so many don’t realize is she should be a middle child. Yep, a middle child not an only child. I don’t talk about things so most don’t know but my goodness, just want to tell people to shut the f*up and mind their own business sometimes. I hope sharing your story helps and you know, all your options are all beautiful and no matter what you choose, it’s your family, your decision and each family is unique. It doesn’t matter how you become a family, being a family together is what matters.
Amber Myers
I am always shocked at some of the things people will say. I’ve learned never to ask if a couple is going to have children, or more children, because you never know their situation.
marjiemare
Sometimes we are pulled in so many ways that we tend to forget ourselves. Thanks for sharing your beauitul post wiht us.
Kimmy
Thank you for sharing your story.
Gervin Khan
I know how hard this situation for you and letting this out or sharing this with others will definitely help you lessen the burden of your heart. Thanks for sharing your story.
platypus6
That’s a really tough situation. People who haven’t experienced it have no idea what you were going through.
Sarah Miller - Homeschooling 4 Him
I think this should be required reading for all humans. I have experienced only a tiny bit of this heartache, but enough to know never to say anything to anyone about their timeline. I am now supporting a friend who is going through this. Thank for for sharing so publicly. We need to be talking about this more.
Melissa Constantinou
Wow, thank you for being so candid with your story! I appreciate you!
Chris McGinn
Thank you for sharing your story! We should definitely be talking about these things more. Thank you for helping to end the stigma.
Phoebe
My cousin and a very close friend went through a fertility treatment and I can’t imagine going through it. I was already getting tired and depressed peeing on an ovulation stick when we were trying. I just gave birth to my second son 4 months ago and now all I hear is people telling me to get pregnant again and have a girl. It upsets me as if my son is not enough.
Samantha Laycock
I am incredibly sorry that you went through this. People don’t realize how words can truly hurt someone. Thank you for sharing your story.
Deb B.
My heart broke reading this. My journey was very much in line with this.The timeline, the waiting, the commentary, the questions, the fertile Myrtles virtually in every corner. Thank you for breaking the silence and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You are so brave and you are the voice of so many.
Marysa
It is so hard when people aren’t thoughtful about what they say. I can definitely relate to people not being very sensitive in these situations.
Camille R
I am so so sorry for your struggles, thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking journey
Darla
Sorry you had to go through all this. It is the worst when family & friends are pushy about personal matters! I’ve experienced some of that too.
Alyssa
SO MANY people don’t get this. My best friend had a guy dump her because she couldn’t have kids…something she told him when they got together. It was really hard for her, and people always asking when she’s going to have a baby has been so hard. I try to spread awareness whenever I can.
millieandmommie
Oh I feel you!! It took a LONG time and lots of heartbreak to get my two babies! You are not alone!
meganwriteseverything
Wow, thank you so much for posting this. I am a bit of a Fertile Myrtle, and I usually tell jokes like the ones you mentioned to try and ease the tension. I’m so glad you wrote this, now I know those are definitely not helpful, and I can opt for more gentle support instead.
gigissudsintheshower
This is a very hard thing to go through. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs to you!
julie
Thank you for sharing your story and bringing awareness to this issue. People need to mind their own business!!
TheMommysCorner
Every one can relate to your post. At some point of time we are facing these things where we want others to shut up and just like to shout them to mind their own business. Every one’s journey is different and we cannot judge other’s life on our own assumptions. My best regards for you.
Erika Genevieve
I agree with all of this so much. It’s ridiculous how people just assume it’s their business to know when you plan on having children or even trying. I mean honestly, is it their business to know what is going on in the bedroom? I’ve always been so cautious to ask the “when do you want a baby” question because you just never know. I don’t understand how other people don’t under that.
Susannah
I’m so incredibly sorry for your struggle girl. I could have written this a few years ago. It’s a heartbreaking and silent process and especially if loss is mixed in. I remember bleeding in a hospital room on thanksgiving eve at 2 am thinking I didn’t want to call anybody to bother them. It’s just awful. Sending you all the support and love.
Bri
We finally succumbed to it and chose adoption and now have 2 beautiful little girls but I still have to write about the struggle of infertility. Because, you are so right, it is such a silent struggle and people need to talk about so hopefully it can become less taboo to talk about and those suffering can know they are not alone. Thank you for your comment. I couldn’t imagine having to be in your shoes that night. 🙏
Felicia
Everything about this article! (Love the title too, btw) I had a miscarriage and a extremely hard pregnancy with my one child and for some reason everyone thinks I still need “another kid.” Nope, not risking my life. Shut it!
Megan
This is such a hard thing to go through. It took us a while, and we definitely got the comments!
Lynn Armstrong
Thank you for sharing! It is really a topic that our society is lacking in education.
Marysa
People can be so rude and offer up so much unsolicited advice. It really is tough for those who are struggling with infertility.
Jasmine
You bring up all the points!!! People need to learn boundaries on stuff like this
Alyssa Johnson
This is so frustrating! My best friend can’t conceive and we talk all the time about how mindless people are about this. I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle through this. I promise, you’re not alone. I won’t ever be the person who asks “when are you going to have kids.” When I feel close enough to the person I ask “Do you want kids?”
Fatima Torres
It’s important for people to be more empathetic of others. Compassion is so important, more so these days.
Puja Kumari
I can understand your situation. I belong from India where 25 is considered as an ideal to get married. Once, you cross this age people start raising questions, they really make your life tougher.
Angeline
Hello, I can only imagine what you went through. I had a period of infertility too, and it hurts how people can be so insensitive with this issue. I hope that you keep your stride no matter what, life and satisfaction isn’t solely based on having children, there’s so many things to experience.
Fatima Torres
It’s interesting to see how many people will question your personal life before understanding your situation. It breaks my heart sometimes how people can be insensitive.
Cyndi Buchanan
Society pressures are ridiculous! Just do you and be happy.
Aditi Wardhan Singh
Hi … Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience with that person , but Ioved how in the end you have kept your spirit and will power. Hang in there my friend. Prayers and hugs.
Sonia Seivwright
At the end of the day, it’s never about what others say about you. When I was 20 years old, my mum wanted me to get married. I refused. Now I’m 30 years old with a child, I want to get married but she’s saying ‘you don’t have to get married’. People just want to play with your life, and they will if you let them.
Lourdes
Such a sensitive subject for anyone to joke about. You are brave to show your feelings to us.
Iris Findlay
I understand. I’m 31 and people are like, “Why are you single?”
It feels like they’re asking what’s wrong with me. It’s annoying.
Dawn Wiles
I could have written this myself sweet girlfriend. I completely 110% understand every heartbreaking word. It’s AMAZING to me how the whole world knows why you can’t conceive and they have an answer to fix it. These were the most frustrating years of my life. Thank you for sharing your heart like this. You are a very beautiful and brave soul and I appreciate your voice. Sending you big love on your journey to expand your family. I’m in your corner.
Chiell Ordonez
I can sympathize with you and understand this is not an easy situation to be in. Thanks for being so vulnerable and letting it all out, it definitely helps!