Differences Between Biological and Adoptive Parenting

There shouldn’t be many differences between biological and adoptive parenting. Your child is your child, regardless of DNA. There should be no difference in their treatment or upbringing. However, there are differences in relationships that you must be aware of and prepared for when parenting adopted children:

#1 Biological Family

The sense of security comes from knowing where you come from and where you belong. Allowing and encouraging your child to explore their biological family history may be beneficial to the child.

If the adoption is closed and no/not much information was given to you about their biological family, consider doing genetic testing. Nebula Genomics offers a 30x whole-genome sequencing kit that will provide you with information about:

• ancestry
• predisposition to certain behaviors/physical traits
• genetic medical predispositions

Learn more about whole-genome sequencing here:

Nebula Genomics Review | 30x Whole-Genomics Sequencing

Biological Family | Genetics & Medical History

If the adoption is open or semi-open, allowing/encouraging the child to maintain a healthy relationship with their biological family can be beneficial.

Things to consider as an adoptive parent encouraging a relationship with the biological family:

1. Healthy boundaries: These should be instilled from the beginning. Determine how often pictures and letters are to be sent throughout a semi-open adoption. With an open adoption, decide upon a degree of openness that everyone is comfortable with. It is recommended, by most agencies, to meet ONLY up to four times a year. Boundaries also include who all is allowed at the meetings and if alone time is permitted between birth family and the adopted child. Your boundaries regarding this relationship may change throughout the years. If this happens, make sure it is well communicated, approved (if necessary), and agreed upon by all parties.
2. Safety: The child’s safety (physically, mentally and emotionally) are always the most important aspect to consider when allowing/encouraging knowledge of/ a relationship with the biological family. Things to consider would be: the child’s age, child’s emotional state, biological family’s situation/feelings, your comfort level.
3. Your attitude: If you are trying to encourage a relationship, but at the same time express feelings of concern/jealousy/anger/hate to your child about their biological family you are being counter-productive. This will result in your child feeling more insecure and will prohibit them from forming/maintaining a healthy relationship with their biological family as well as you, their adoptive family. To encourage your child to harvest this relationship simply means being supportive. Allow them to have the freedom to explore the relationship and what it means to them (unbias of your opinion).

Related Post: Why I Love Open Adoption

#2 Professionals (doctors, day care, school, etc…)

It is important to do preliminary interviews/meetings with any professional/institutes that your child will be in the care of. Making sure that the people you are trusting to care for your child are unbias as to whether or not your child is adopted is important to confirm. Your child deserves the same treatment as every other child within their care.

#3 Peers

Children are going to pick on each other. It’s been going on since the beginning of mankind and it’s only getting worse. You will not be able, as a parent, to stop kids from bullying your child. And if they learn that your child is adopted and choose to pick on them about that, you won’t be able to stop that either. There are no differences between biological and adoptive parenting when it comes to bullying.

You can’t control the way the world is. You can’t control others’ actions, behaviors, or words. The only thing that you can control is your reaction to it. Instilling security, stability, self-esteem, and confidence into your child should be your main focus to weaponize them against such attacks.

#4 Extended adoptive family

This is one of the most difficult relational areas to have to address if there is an issue.

Telling your parents/siblings/aunts/uncles/grandparents that you are going to be adopting is something that should be done up front. Although adoption is now finally becoming more talked about, others may still feel differently. Older generations may still feel that adoptions should be discrete and/ are shameful. Different religions may also influence an opinion about adoption. Again, you can’t control the way the world thinks. But what if that is your own family? Telling them about your desire to adopt up front can help you to clarify your intentions and expectations as well as understanding their views/feelings. You may then decide the level of involvement of those family members within your future adopted child’s life.

If not addressed up front and there is an issue, or if problems arise later (such as observing biological grandchildren being treated differently than adopted grandchildren), what do you do?

As a parent it is your responsibility to protect your child. There are no differences between biological and adoptive parenting as far as this is concerned. Say your biological child was different from other children in some way: has red hair, is over weight, under weight, freckled, learning disabled, physically disabled etc… And because of this difference they are being treated differently or ignored by other family members. As a biological parent, you would address the issue by confronting the person(s) and educating them as to why your child is no different then the others. The same is true for adoptive parents about their child being adopted. Educating your family about adoption, being comfortable and open about it and confronting any issues is the best way to protect your child from unnecessary pain/hurt.

#5 Biological children (if applicable)

If you have biological children before you adopt then it is important to educate and communicate with them about adoption well before the adoption occurs. If you have biological children after you have adopted then they too should be educated about adoption as they are growing up. Providing a home filled with equal amounts of love, affection, acceptance, and support for all those within it is key to developing a strong sibling/familial bond. There should be no differences between biological and adoptive parenting.

Related Post: Should I Adopt? | Adoption After Infertility

#6 You (Adoptive parents)

The hardest part about adoptive parenting is figuring out the level of openness that is healthiest for your adopted child. Informing professionals of your child’s adoption is necessary. Educating your family about adoption is necessary. Telling your adopted child about their history/adoption story is necessary. However, labeling your child as adopted is not necessary.

Things you should never do as an adoptive parent to make sure your child doesn’t feel like they are “different” from biological children:

1. Introduce your child as “adopted”.
2. Use their adoption as a “reason” for anything (i.e. “That’s because (s)he’s adopted…”).
3. Tell your child constantly that they are adopted. (Educate them as to what them being adopted means as they are growing up. Answer any questions they have that you can about their adoption. Create a safe and secure home/relationship that they feel comfortable talking to you about it. That’s all you need to do. You don’t need to hammer it into them or constantly remind them.)

Related Post: Adoption | To Tell of Not Tell: Is NEVER a Question

There are some public situations in which adoption may come up. As an adoptive parent you must choose how to react when these things happen:

1. You adopt a newborn. People may be surprised and say, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!” Or, people that don’t know you, “How did you just have a baby? You look great!” In these situations you must use your judgement. If it is someone close to you then tell them the truth. If it is a stranger, a simple ‘thank you’ will work. Although adopting is nothing to be ashamed of, not everyone needs to know your story.
2. If you adopted out of your race or your child simply doesn’t look anything like you, most people will assume they are either not yours or they are adopted. If for some reason they do ask about them not looking like you, it is another situation in which you decide whether or not you need to tell them.
3. More often then getting asked about why your child doesn’t look like you, you will be told that they look a lot like you/ your partner. If this happens it is not necessary to correct them.

Trying to make sure that your child is not raised with a complex about their adoption is the only real difference between biological and adoptive parenting. However, this is not always easy to do. Counseling and/ therapy may be beneficial for you as an adoptive parent as well as for your adopted child. There are also some amazing books that can help guide you:

Book recommendations to help you navigate adoptive parenting:

In the end, all you really need to do as an adoptive parent is:

• Create a calm, comfortable, secure, and safe home for your child
• Support your child
• Protect your child
• Instill strong values and morals into your child
• Teach your child to love themselves
• Love your child

This list is no different than a list of goals for a biological parent, right?! That’s because there should really be no difference between biological and adoptive parenting.