Gotcha Day vs. Adoption Day | Which is it?

‘Gotcha day’ is a term that recently became popular to describe a child’s adoption day. The book, Pediatrics Primary Care, first recommended this day in 2001 as a day to be celebrated like a birthday due to the fact that adoptive parents were not likely to be present for the birth of the child. In her book, The Pumpkin Patch, Margaret Schwartz declared September 15, 2005 International Gotcha Day as she referred to the day that her adoptive child was legally adopted. However, since the term’s birth, the phrase has not been openly accepted by the adoption community.

In this article, we will examine the true meaning of ‘ gotcha day’, why it is offensive, what you should call it and if/how you should celebrate it. So let’s start with the true meaning:

What is ‘ gotcha day’? What does ‘ gotcha day’ mean?

‘Gotcha Day’ is the day that the adoption of a child becomes legal. It is also called, ‘ adoption day‘, ‘ family day‘, or ‘homecoming day’.

However, within the adoption process, a child may be placed in a home with adoptive parents prior to the adoption finalization day.

If you have been following my adoption journey then you know that I was there for the birth of both of my daughters. After the 72 hour wait in the hospital, their birth families relinquished their rights, they were placed with my husband and I and we took them home. However, we were still not legally their parents yet. The state was technically still their guardian for the first 6 months of their lives. Social workers came in and out of our home during this time to assess their care. After the 6 months we were given a court date for finalization day.

What happens on gotcha day/ adoption day?

In court, your lawyer/the magistrate/ the judge will ask the adoptive family a series of questions, such as:

• What are the sleeping arrangements in the home? Does the adoptive child have their own room?

• What is your current financial/career situation? Can you provide for your adopted children?

• What are your future plans as adoptive parents?

• What is your relationship, as adoptive parents, with the child’s birth parents?

• How has the adoptive child‘s health been?

• How is your, as adoptive parents‘, health?

• Will you love your adoptive child the same as you would a biological child?

After answering all questions and hearing your entire adoption story the magistrate / judge will decide whether or not to finalize the adoption.

What does adoption finalization mean?

Finalization means that the adoptive parents are now legally the parents to the adopted child. At this time the original birth certificate and social security number for the child are expunged and a new birth certificate and social security number are issued. If there is a name change for the child that also happens at this time.

Why is gotcha day offensive?

There are many moving parts within adoption. There is a plethora of emotions within those parts, as well, that go along with adoption. I talk about vulnerability a lot throughout my blog because of it’s importance within the adoption journey. Knowing how to be vulnerable requires understanding that there are different perspectives among the same event yet all perspectives are valid.

Gotcha day seems to be more of a term that plays to the adoptive parents‘ celebration. It tends to be a bit of a ‘gloating’ term. It’s the day that their family if officially formed and the legal entities are officially out of their home and finished scrutinizing them.

However, to an adopted child and to the birth mother/ birth family, this is a day of incredible loss. Depending on the age of the child being adopted, they may or may not have memories/feelings/emotions about their birth families. Or the child, if being adopted for foster care, may have emotional ties to their foster families as well. It is a huge loss to leave the comfort of those relationships, sights, sounds, places, etc…

Also within the adoption community is the birth family of the adopted child. The birth mother/family definitely have memories/feelings/emotions about their child that they are still processing. It doesn’t matter if the state took their child from them or they made the decision to place their child for adoption, it is still an undeniably, painful loss.

As an adoptive mother I do not like the term ‘ gotcha day’. It makes me uncomfortable.

I referred to my oldest daughter’s adoption day as ‘ gotcha day’ for the first time this past year. I did so because it has been the term that is most socially used at this time to describe that day. However, as soon as I did it I was immediately uncomfortable. I am, by nature, a very empathetic person and by using that term I felt as if I was disrespecting my daughters’ birth families. I think of our open adoptions as family extensions that include the birth families. I feel like the term, ‘ gotcha day’ implies that I have removed them from their birth family and ‘captured’ them as my own as if in a game. That is not the way I want the adoption day to be portrayed to my girls.

So, should you celebrate gotcha day/ adoption day?

The answer to whether or not your should celebrate ‘ gotcha day’ is a personal one. Every adoption journey is different.

Personally, we celebrate the original adoption day but not the anniversaries.

The reason that we celebrate the official finalization day is because it is a day of immense stress relief. There is a lot that has happened up until this point. All of that stress is now finally over!

In our situation, our first adoption day signified the end of our infertility struggles. We went through a lot throughout infertility treatment and when we were unsuccessful we had to grieve our infertility and the possibility of never having a family/kids. Then, through the adoption process, we were able to start our family. So we celebrated.

Our second adoption was a little more stressful due to COVID regulations. Lack of communication during the 72 hour wait caused a lot of anxiety that this adoption may not happen. Also, now the social workers visiting during the first 6 months were not only assessing us with our new baby, but also our toddler from our first adoption. When you feel like a fish in a fish bowl it can be very nerve-racking! So when it was all over, we celebrated.

Although we celebrate the original adoption day, we do not celebrate anniversaries.

It is rare, in our family, to even remember the day as it passes, much less acknowledge it. As I mentioned before, ‘ gotcha day’ was intended to celebrate like a birthday with cake, presents, a party, etc… This was because the adoptive family may not have been present at the time of the adopted child’s birth.  However, I feel that just because you may not have been there doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. 

Think of gotcha day in this way for example. Christians celebrate Christmas (Jesus’ birth). However, none of them were there for the birth. Your baptism is the day that you officially accept Jesus into your life and you celebrate that day.  However, you don’t celebrate the anniversary of your baptism every year the same way that you do Christmas.

I was present for my oldest daughter’s birth. In fact, I cut the umbilical cord. I did not find out that my youngest daughter was born until an hour after she was born.  However, the day that they were born was the day that I fell in love.  Even if their adoptions hadn’t gone through, their birthdays would still be the most important days of the year.  Not their adoption days.

How should you celebrate gotcha day/ adoption day should you choose to do so?

Celebrating the original, official finalization day is up to you. For our first adoption we had our families come to court with us to witness the finalization and take pictures. Then we went out to brunch together.  For our second adoption, our families were not allowed at the court, due to COVID, so we celebrated that day as a family going to brunch, the zoo, dinner and out for ice cream.  Later, we had a small get together with family to celebrate.  Whatever works for your family or whatever feels right is how you should celebrate adoption day should you choose to.

If you are wanting to celebrate the anniversary of your gotcha day/ adoption day then that is also up to you and what you are comfortable with. Some post on social media to acknowledge it, some have a nice dinner, and some do the whole “birthday party”.  As an adoptive mother and considering all emotions wrapped up in this day, however, I would suggest keeping this day as a day of remembrance for you as an adoptive parent. Recognize it each year for the significance it has in your life: the end of the social workers, adoption proceedings, stress, infertility struggles, etc… However, I would not suggest pushing it on your adopted child as a day that they, too, should celebrate.  As they get older and learn more about their unique situation, they can then decide whether or not that day holds meaning to them.  They can then decide whether or not they want to celebrate it and tell you how they would like to celebrate their gotcha day/ adoption day.

The adoption process, placement, and the childhood/life of adopted children it is a continuous learning curve. The best you can do it your best with the best intentions of your adopted child at heart. So do your research, learn from others’ experiences, listen to your child, and trust your heart.