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Why I Love Open Adoption | Open Adoption Articles

November 18, 2020 /

When my husband and I started the adoption process one of the first things we had to decide for our profile was degree of openness with which we were comfortable to parent.  Our options were a closed adoption, semi-open/closed adoption or open/semi-open/closed adoption.   Our agency advised us that choosing the latter would allow for more prospective matches being that we would be completely open to a birth mother’s wishes.  We followed their advise and chose any degree of openness.  Secretly though I was hoping for a closed adoption.  However, both of our girls have open adoptions and now I couldn’t imagine it any other way!  I LOVE our open adoptions!  (For more information on open adoptions, please check out some of my other open adoption articles: The Process, What do I Call My Birth Mother?, To Tell or Not to Tell is NEVER the Question)

What is the difference between closed/semi-open/open adoptions?

Closed Adoption:

The birth mother (family) has no contact with the child placed for adoption. 

Semi-Open Adoption:

The birth mother (family) receives pictures and letters from the adoptive family throughout the child’s life.  There are no face to face meetings.

Open Adoption:

The birth mother (family) receives pictures and letters from the adoptive family as well as up to four physical meetings every year. 

**For an adoption with any degree of openness the level of openness can be determined and readjusted continually.  It all depends on the comfort level of the two families involved.**

Examples of open adoption adjustments can include:  

  • Mode of contact (can range from strictly going through the agency to deliver pictures/letters to exchanging cell phone numbers or following on social media).
  • Physical meetings occurring in a once semi-open adoption. (Sometimes one mother may ask the other mother if they could meet OR the adopted child may ask to meet.)
  • More/fewer physical meetings occurring in an open adoption. (According to our agency, especially if the birth mother is young, then the number of meetings may reduce as they get older and their lives continue to change.)

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Like I said before, at first I was hoping for a closed adoption.  I naively thought that it would be easier.  

Why I initially thought I wanted a closed adoption:

  1. I thought that it would be easier for the birth mother not to have to watch their child grow from afar.

**Our youngest daughter’s birth mother felt this way at first.  When we first met she was initially thinking she wanted a closed adoption.  (My heart sank when I heard this because after having our first adoption open, I couldn’t imagine it not being open.   I didn’t want a closed adoption.)**

  1. I thought that it would be easier on us. I wouldn’t have to worry about their first mother analyzing our parenting. 

**VULNERABILITY ALERT** It was difficult for me at first to adjust to an open adoption.  I have always been one to worry about what other people think (I am continually working on that).  The first year or so after we adopted our oldest daughter I experienced a lot of anxiety.  I didn’t sleep much because I was fearful of SIDS and couldn’t imagine the hate I would feel from the birth mother (as well as from myself) if anything happened to her.  I was constantly worried about doing the right thing, parenting the right way etc…  I was always asking myself if I was doing things the way that her birth mother would have wanted.  I didn’t want to let her down.   The weight of potentially disappointing her was difficult for me to adjust to.


Red head plus size model looking back in skull designed leggings with moths over skull mouth.

Reasons why I love our open adoptions:

  1. I truly love both of our daughters’ first mothers (and their families). We are so blessed to have the relationships that we do with our children’s birth families.  I slowly realized that my constant worry to not disappoint was actually extreme care.  I care about our birth mothers, their feelings, their lives, etc… They are family to us. 
  2. Although the adjustment to openness took some time it was worth it. That anxious feeling that I once had turned into pride.  I am so proud of my girls’ every accomplishment.  Every mother thinks that their child is the best.  However, every mother doesn’t have someone that shares the same amount of pride for their child as them.  I do.  I love that I get to share and celebrate every achievement/development together with our birth mothers.
  3. Like I stated in my article, To Tell or Not to Tell is NEVER a Question, my girls will always know that they are adopted. Having the adoption open makes it so much easier.  My daughters will grow up knowing who their birth families are and will be able to ask them any questions that they have as well.
  4. Through research I have found that several adopted children (especially those in closed adoptions) can have identity issues. I think that everyone has identity issues, especially as a teen.  However, if a child doesn’t know where they come from this could be considerably more difficult.  We are fortunate that our girls will always know where they came from and that they are loved by both sets of their parents.
  5. We have open communication and can contact each other with any questions. For example, like I said in my article, You’re More Than a “Birth Mom”, I can easily ask physical/medical questions like how tall they expect my oldest daughter to be.  But I can also ask likes/interests questions.  For example, my youngest daughter is soothed by moving, loud music and singing.  I found out after talking to her birth mother that while she was pregnant she was always on the move and singing to loud music in her car.

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If you are considering adoption or placing for adoption, I would strongly recommend considering an open adoption plan.  (Again, please check out my other open adoption articles, here.)  It may not be easy at first for either mother.  It may take a while to adjust, but it is worth it.  Openness takes vulnerability and vulnerability takes strength.  Vulnerability is not easy.  But if it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing.  It is worth doing.   

bri



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