An Adoption Story | The Process

Starting the adoption process:

After two long years of crushing disappointment month after month we decided to seek the help of fertility doctors. Long story short, after three years of tests, procedures, surgeries, medication, three different doctors, multiple rounds of IUI and IVF that were all unsuccessful we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It was then that we really started to consider adoption. We of course had our fears. We were unfamiliar with the adoption process and everyone has fears of the unknown. However, after talking with our friends that have adopted, our family that has adopted, and our friends and family that were adopted we felt more comfortable and so we printed, filled out and sent our application in to a private adoption agency.
Two days went by and then I received a call from the agency. The woman told me that we would have to wait two months until we could start the adoption process. This was devastating at first because we were so ready to start our family but then we thought, well we have been waiting five years, what is another two months?
However, the very next day the agency contacted us again and said that we were ready to go and wanted to get us scheduled for our initial orientation meeting and our first home study with our social worker. We were over the moon. It finally felt like the stars were aligning and all the pieces were falling into place.

Dear Fertile Myrtle, Kindly Shut the F*** Up

Our first visit was just a couple of days after the phone call and we met with our adoption agent to start the adoption process. In the meeting we talked about our journey that led us there, what to expect during the adoption process and also we got to know each other. We both instantly felt comfortable with her and for the first time in five years we relaxed. We finally felt we were exactly where we were meant to be.
The very next day our social worker came to our home to do our first home study. Of course we cleaned like crazy! We cleaned and reorganized 3 bedrooms, 5 closets and the laundry room. We built shoe racks and a bookshelf. We changed all the light bulbs in the house; we vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, and mowed the lawn and pulled the weeds. I made two dozen cookies and we set out pitchers of lemon water, had the tea kettle on and coffee brewing when she came in. She walked in, we went straight to the table, she wasn’t hungry or thirsty nor did she even use the restroom while she was there! All that anxiety-ridden, frantic cleaning for nothing!

The first home visit was relatively short. She just gave us a packet of paperwork and further explained what all we would need to get done in the coming weeks to complete the adoption process.

The adoption process checklist was comprised of:

1. Get fingerprinted for a background check.
2. Have the fire department do a fire inspection on our house.
3. Gather our utility bills for the last 3 months, our pay stubs for the past two and last year’s tax returns.
4. Have our family doctor fill out health status and recommendation forms.
5. Have four non family members complete recommendation letters.
6. Read three different books and fill out the worksheets that correlate with them.
7. Make a 20 page book about us and our life that will be given to birth mothers to look at and basically be the only thing that they will use to pick a family for their child (no pressure there).
8. Fill out a 5 page ‘will consider/won’t consider’ form as to race, number of children, physical traits, behavioral traits, etc.
9. Take multiple classes that are legally mandated by the state of Ohio including inter racial adoption awareness, child safety, infant CPR, and infant/child care.
10. Have a safety inspection done on our house.
11. Draw a floor plan of our house with escape routes, have a list of emergency numbers posted, have a schedule for family fire drills at least once a month, and buy a fire extinguisher.
12. Have a copy of our dogs’ licenses and updated shots and vet records.
13. Show proof of Ohio residency for the past five years.
14. Complete 2 more home studies.

Our Second Home Study of the Adoption Process:

We had two weeks between our first home study when we received the adoption process check list and our second one. Our social worker had said that the second study would be longer. She would need to go through what we had done, make sure it was all correct and talk about what we still needed to do before our final home study. I chose our formal dining room for the meeting so that we would be more comfortable if we were going to sit there for a couple hours. However, I think she underestimated our motivation level.

In the two weeks we were able to collect all of the paperwork (marriage license, dog licenses, vet and vaccine paperwork, w2’s, pay stubs for the past couple months, copies of all utility bills for the past 3 months, and proof of Ohio residency for the past 5 years). We bought and hung a fire extinguisher, drew an escape plan diagram, listed and posted emergency numbers and a calendar of scheduled fire drills and then had the fire department come and do their inspection.
We got fingerprinted, went to the doctor and had physicals and referrals filled out, had 4 of our close friends send in reference letters, read three 200 page books and answered questions about them, and attended one of the required 3 hour classes. (The class was about adopting a different race so it did not really pertain to us for this adoption but it was really neat to learn what to expect and to meet a group of other adoptive parents and to hear their stories as to how they got there. There was a grandmother that was adopting her granddaughter, a single woman adopting a friend’s child, a couple that had one biological child but could not have any more and a couple, like us, that was adopting their first child after struggling with infertility.) We also finished writing and placed the order for our 20 page book about ourselves for potential birth mothers to see.

Baker Party of FOUR! Adoption #2

When our social worker came in we settled into the dining room and she started asking for the check list items. I had them in order and handed them to her as she went down the list. She looked them all over and was pleasantly surprised that they were all done and everything was filled out correctly. She then went on to ask us a few personal questions like:

How do we plan on disciplining?

How do we do we handle stress?

How do we handle arguments?

Etc…

After that she had to do a quick safety audit of our home which was basically just a home tour and then she scheduled our next and FINAL home study and she left, after just 45 minutes. The only things that we have left to do are we need to take one more class and have that final home study. Then we will just be waiting to be picked by a birth mother!

(It’s funny how intuitive dogs are too. Since we moved into our house we always knew what room would be the nursery. For 5 years that room has never had any furniture and no one, not even the dogs ever went in it. However, the morning after our second home study I got out of the shower expecting to see our dog, Reese, in her usual spot right outside the bathroom door waiting for me but she wasn’t there. I walked out of my bedroom and called for her and then there she came, walking out of that room. I think she knew what was up…)

Final Home Study of the Adoption Process:

Three weeks after our second home study we went to our last 3 hour class and we had our 3rd and FINAL pre-adoption home study!
The class was down at University Hospital and was it was about baby care basics and infant CPR. There was one other adoptive mom in our group which was neat.

The class was very informative. We learned how to swaddle, use a bulb syringe, change diapers, feeding schedules, immunizations, what to do when a baby is choking and how to give a baby CPR.
That class was the last thing on the check list before our last home study which was the shortest one yet. Our social worker came over and went through our file to see if we had anything else that we needed to finish before becoming actively waiting adoptive parents.

She actually had to go through the file a few time to confirm that we really did have everything done. She said that it was just so rare to work with a couple that had everything done and done correctly that quickly. But we were cleared and she told us that she didn’t see any reason that we would not be approved when she entered us into the system. So once the agency had our adoption book to show birthmothers we would start being considered if/when they had a birthmother that matched our profile.

Birth mothers will be given books from several families that she is a match for. She can then choose a family from those books. She may also want to meet before she makes her decision. It all depends on the birth mother and her wishes.

After you are picked by a birthmother and she has the baby she still has 72 hours to change her mind before she relinquishes her rights to parent. After she relinquishes her rights then there is a six month wait before we go to court to finalize the adoption. The six months is to give the birth father (if unknown up to this point) a chance to come forward.

There is a state registry for men to put their names on if they think that they may have a baby out in the world and they want to know if they are a father. The agency checks this list for the name of the birth father. If he is not on the registry, then it is likely that he will not come forward within the six months. The only way a birth father could come back into the picture after the adoption is final would be if the birth mother told him she had an abortion but actually did not. However, she said they screen the mothers very well and they will be asked about the birth father. She also confirmed they have never had anything like this ever happen.

They don’t accept everyone/anyone into the Adoption Process:

She told us that the agency will refuse birthmothers just as they would adoptive parents if they find anything unsettling. She said that they recently refused a girl because when the social worker came to her house, she and the people at the house were noticeably intoxicated and so they were not comfortable with placing her child through their agency.

The last question that we asked her was about time. How long did she think that it would take to be placed? She couldn’t really answer that. But she told us to be prepared. She said that they have had placements happen after a birth mother gives birth. Adoptive families can get the call in the middle of the night and have to stop at Wal-Mart for a car seat on the way to the hospital. And then there are couples that wait years. In the end it is all up to the birthmothers and their wishes for placement of their child.

All we can do is sit and wait for the phone to ring…