What do I call my birth mother?

I am in an open adoption group on Facebook. The other day I was scrolling through the feed and came across a post from one of the members that was an open adoptee. He was concerned with what to call his birth mother (nature mother).

He was worried because he didn’t want to offend his adoptive mother and call his birth mom, “mom” as well. However, he also said that it didn’t feel right to call his birth mom, “mom”. So he was looking for advice from others’ experience.

Several people replied to him. Some were adoptive moms telling him what their children called their birth moms (Mimi, Mama B, first name). Some were birth moms (nature moms) that did the same and told him what the children they had placed called them. And then some were other adopted children that expressed having the same concern.

I did not reply on the thread, but I do have a reply. Maybe this post will get to that young man. Maybe it won’t. But hopefully it gets to other adopted children with the same concern as him. And hopefully it is helpful to them to hear my point of view as a mother of two openly adopted children.

My thoughts…

I remember having a similar feeling before I got married. (Sounds weird, I know, but stick with me.) I have an aunt that I have always been incredibly close with. I have always considered her to be a second mom. So when I was getting married, I wanted to have her in my wedding as my second Mother-of-the-Bride.

I was so nervous asking my mom if it was okay with her to have to share the spot light that day with her sister. However, when I did, she did not even hesitate. She was completely supportive of my decision.

So my reply to his post would be…

You may not realize it, but your mom loves your birth (nature) mother. That is because your mom knows the love that your birth (nature) mother has for you. She has seen and felt it first-hand. She also understands that you have feelings towards her too. And as an adoptive mother, I encourage these feelings and support my children’s comprehension of them.

She, just like my mom, loves you and will support you in whatever decide. So call her whatever you are comfortable with…

Call her Mom.

Call her Nature Mom.

Call her an aunt.

Call her a made-up term of endearment.

Call her by her first name.

But just call her what she is…

Call her family.