What do I call my birth mother?
I am in an open adoption group on Facebook. The other day I was scrolling through the feed and came across a post from one of the members that was an open adoptee. He was concerned with what to call his birth mother (nature mother).
He was worried because he didn’t want to offend his adoptive mother and call his birth mom, “mom” as well. However, he also said that it didn’t feel right to call his birth mom, “mom”. So he was looking for advice from others’ experience.
Several people replied to him. Some were adoptive moms telling him what their children called their birth moms (Mimi, Mama B, first name). Some were birth moms (nature moms) that did the same and told him what the children they had placed called them. And then some were other adopted children that expressed having the same concern.
I did not reply on the thread, but I do have a reply. Maybe this post will get to that young man. Maybe it won’t. But hopefully it gets to other adopted children with the same concern as him. And hopefully it is helpful to them to hear my point of view as a mother of two openly adopted children.
My thoughts…
I remember having a similar feeling before I got married. (Sounds weird, I know, but stick with me.) I have an aunt that I have always been incredibly close with. I have always considered her to be a second mom. So when I was getting married, I wanted to have her in my wedding as my second Mother-of-the-Bride.
I was so nervous asking my mom if it was okay with her to have to share the spot light that day with her sister. However, when I did, she did not even hesitate. She was completely supportive of my decision.
So my reply to his post would be…
You may not realize it, but your mom loves your birth (nature) mother. That is because your mom knows the love that your birth (nature) mother has for you. She has seen and felt it first-hand. She also understands that you have feelings towards her too. And as an adoptive mother, I encourage these feelings and support my children’s comprehension of them.
She, just like my mom, loves you and will support you in whatever decide. So call her whatever you are comfortable with…
Call her Mom.
Call her Nature Mom.
Call her an aunt.
Call her a made-up term of endearment.
Call her by her first name.
But just call her what she is…
Call her family.
Related Post: You’re More Than a “Birth Mom”
27 Comments
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Rosemary
What an interesting question and one that I have never thought of. It’s a complicated question, but as you say, call her what you feel comfortable with. Provocative indeed.
Everything Enchanting
If I were that boy, I would have called my birth mother as something else like mumma, mommy, but would have always have my foster mother as Maa/Mom
The one who raises you, loves you as her own kid selflessly, unconditionally deserves this respect, no matter what!
Mama Maggie's Kitchen
Aww..this is really sweet and very nice. It will surely help many kids who are having the same issue. Thanks for sharing.
Beth
This is a beautiful response, I hope he’ll get the chance to read it! I think you should post it (even just the last paragraph) on that FB page.
Nile Flores
While I wasn’t adopted, my sisters and my half-siblings were all abandoned by our mom. I usually call her my bio mom, since I’ve had several step-moms and some of them had more hand in raising me. I think it’s kind of tough to name a birth mom, whether there were issues with them outside of adoption, or being orphaned (due to parents passing), or for adoption in general. I always think its best to let the kid decide.
Kathy
I love this so much. What a wonderful post. I’m so glad you shared this with us. I know a few who were adopted.
Sandy N Vyjay
It is indeed a very poignant question. But I really love your perspective on this. Ultimately it is the love that matters so as you say what you call your natural mom is not an issue at all.
Nikki Wayne
I guess the best way to call her is Mommy or Mama B? As in birth..
melissa chapman
This was very interesting because I never had such a close relationship with an aunt. The adopted child usually is not too close with the birth mother but it seems like it could be an issue.
Claudia
I don’t think there could be any better advice than this. Just call her something that is full of love, and it’ll all be good.
Ben
This was a really touching post. I think anything works if it’s a name filled with love.
Pam Wattenbarger
That is a great way to look at what to call birth mothers. My cousin calls her birth mother by her first name and that works for them.
angelinegormley
I love this. It is something important to know for adoptee moms and adoptees… we need to value birth moms in this way too.
Shinelle
This is a great post. Very great advice for anyone going through a similar situation
Diana
This is a lovely way to look at it. It’s not one size fits all, find what works best for you.
leahnieman
Thanks so much for sharing. I value your viewpoint since it’s a perspective I don’t have. And I love your thoughts on this.
Gervin Khan
This post gives an enlightenment to everyone, me, I don’t care if my adopted child call her birth mother a mom or aunt or whatever she wanted to call her because I totally understand the feeling being a mom and being a child too.
Melissa Constantinou
What a heartwarming post! Thanks for sharing these thoughts – it really got me thinking!
Fatima Torres
It’s never easy to deal with things when you’re going through them. This is a heart-warming piece. Thanks for opening up!
Ngozi
This is heartwarming, and also great advice for people going through a similar situation.
Kimmy
Thank you for sharing this! I love seeing your point of view on the subject and how open you are with your own journey.
Samantha
I absolutely love this outlook. Thank you.
Ashley t
Thank you for sharing this. I love your point of view on this. I have friends that were adopted and they struggled with this.
Katherine
Thanks for the insight! Keep on sharing and hopefully the struggle will get easier!
Wordy Laundry
This is great! As another fellow adoptee, I struggled with this too when I met my birthmom. I call her my birthmom in reference but I call her by her name when we’re together. It feels right to me. I would agree that you have to go with what feels right. It doesn’t change the fact that you are family and ultimately, that is most important