What do I call my birth mother?
I am in an open adoption group on Facebook. The other day I was scrolling through the feed and came across a post from one of the members that was an open adoptee. He was concerned with what to call his birth mother (nature mother).
He was worried because he didn’t want to offend his adoptive mother and call his birth mom, “mom” as well. However, he also said that it didn’t feel right to call his birth mom, “mom”. So he was looking for advice from others’ experience.
Several people replied to him. Some were adoptive moms telling him what their children called their birth moms (Mimi, Mama B, first name). Some were birth moms (nature moms) that did the same and told him what the children they had placed called them. And then some were other adopted children that expressed having the same concern.
I did not reply on the thread, but I do have a reply. Maybe this post will get to that young man. Maybe it won’t. But hopefully it gets to other adopted children with the same concern as him. And hopefully it is helpful to them to hear my point of view as a mother of two openly adopted children.
My thoughts…
I remember having a similar feeling before I got married. (Sounds weird, I know, but stick with me.) I have an aunt that I have always been incredibly close with. I have always considered her to be a second mom. So when I was getting married, I wanted to have her in my wedding as my second Mother-of-the-Bride.
I was so nervous asking my mom if it was okay with her to have to share the spot light that day with her sister. However, when I did, she did not even hesitate. She was completely supportive of my decision.
So my reply to his post would be…
You may not realize it, but your mom loves your birth (nature) mother. That is because your mom knows the love that your birth (nature) mother has for you. She has seen and felt it first-hand. She also understands that you have feelings towards her too. And as an adoptive mother, I encourage these feelings and support my children’s comprehension of them.
She, just like my mom, loves you and will support you in whatever decide. So call her whatever you are comfortable with…
Call her Mom.
Call her Nature Mom.
Call her an aunt.
Call her a made-up term of endearment.
Call her by her first name.
But just call her what she is…
Call her family.
Related Post: You’re More Than a “Birth Mom”
27 Comments
Nile Flores
While I wasn’t adopted, my sisters and my half-siblings were all abandoned by our mom. I usually call her my bio mom, since I’ve had several step-moms and some of them had more hand in raising me. I think it’s kind of tough to name a birth mom, whether there were issues with them outside of adoption, or being orphaned (due to parents passing), or for adoption in general. I always think its best to let the kid decide.
Kathy
I love this so much. What a wonderful post. I’m so glad you shared this with us. I know a few who were adopted.
Sandy N Vyjay
It is indeed a very poignant question. But I really love your perspective on this. Ultimately it is the love that matters so as you say what you call your natural mom is not an issue at all.
Nikki Wayne
I guess the best way to call her is Mommy or Mama B? As in birth..
melissa chapman
This was very interesting because I never had such a close relationship with an aunt. The adopted child usually is not too close with the birth mother but it seems like it could be an issue.